Posts tagged ‘injury’

May 24, 2013

paying for it

i don’t believe in fate: it’s too passive, too deterministic, too lazy.

fate based perspectives leave no room for agency, it dismisses the role of intent, of effort, of contribution. worse, it takes politics out of the dialogue, it allows no scrutiny of social injustice, of oppression, of abuse.

i don’t believe in fate.

this said, it wasn’t but a few days after i re-established myself as a runner that i fell down the stairs and sprained both my ankles, badly. my left toe bruised so deeply i was sent for x-rays to confirm the suspicion that it was broken; my arches purple from strain; my achilles swollen, tender to touch.

i was rendered disabled, not from daily life, thank goodness, but from running. after weeks of not running when i had the chance, now i couldn’t. i had the luxury of choice revoked.

like fate, i don’t believe in Karma: people don’t always get what we deserve.
i, however, did.

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March 10, 2013

these bones

these hips once spun through the air, landing
hard

against wet cedar
and,

like forest ghosts,

splintered when no one was looking.

my pelvis and pubic bone also burst

on impact

when my left side met forcefully with the consequences of sleep deprivation, bad weather, and speed.

these bones, all halved,

separated my core in four,
and, along with other misfortunes,

left me unable to move, sit, stand, walk, and function- for months.
by bless they healed,

stubbornly,

like the rest of me,

humbled yet angry at my vulnerability.

this rim,

though fused,

woven and knit to whole, became uneven, slightly,

at the back,

where my spine escaped a worse fate,
and a limp lingers yet,

though the only traces of tragedy people notice are the scars on my face from the pole i acquainted- also splintered, but in my skin.

this skeleton,

mine,

found movement again

-early-
my fire making it so,

despite caution

and brought me back to ‘normal’ so i could move on,

even if my body continued to suffer in movement beneath me.

this frame: silenced neglected ignored, even,

became wound

tight

unable to withstand my insistence without pain

but, amazingly, continued to persist and prosper regardless of the failures of my lifestyle.

years later, this pelvis, still with memory of injury, carried me in, ripe and full, to term

twice

widening

and relaxing into careful opening

releasing years of tension and making room for my body to deliver his body and, then,

alone without tone still,

worked for us again and held its ground,

while i slumped over exhausted limbs, labouring across excruciating hours for his body, too.
these bones they screamed as i screamed,

squatting,

in a scene out of a movie where it might all have went wrong but didn’t…

shuddering

while they expelled life and showed me, laughing, again, that they could.

this said,
these hips this pelvis this core

once fluid,

went uncared for and now lack lubrication to allow for the pairing of movement and grace.

locked,

often,
my middle groans at the thought of impact

but having displayed capacity and

infinite power
i am in my frame anew and hesitate, no longer.
these bones,

once betrayed and then held to blame, unjustly,

taught me
(again)
of resilience
when,

today,

they took me future forward

further than all the days since spilt cars and bodies became part of my story.
these legs, this girl, running- because i still can.