Archive for ‘lists’

June 20, 2013

milestones, minus the bellinis

my son graduates from pre-school tomorrow and, not surprisingly, i am overwhelmed with feeling.

in short form:

* wonder.amazement.pride.

* anxious (the performance anxiety kind): following the graduation there is a potluck. don’t know why this matters to me? a little history on my inadequacy can be found here.

* vain: what should i wear? i know it’s not about me though it kind of is, no?

* the tired: oh wait, that’s everyday.

* thankful: he has learned so, so much.

* terror: nevermind wondering how i will keep him engaged, excited, entertained, and enthusiastic without the thrice weekly adorableness, i’m concerned that we both might not make it out alive.

* hope: my big little boy… so curious, so bright, so intuitive, so intense, so sensitive, so wise, so spirited, so special, so unwritten.

* relaxed: no more getting out-the-door battles. winnnnnnnnnnnn.

* rich: a little extra money in the bank never hurt anyone.

* grief: how is it that my first baby, made by my dreams for the future and born red-faced and birdlike, held in my arms and at my breast, has become this little man, and so quickly?

* horror: there is a 100% guarantee that i will weep in front of all the other mothers (the normal ones, who can bake). shizer.

* trust: he will continue to mature and i likely will too (right?).

May 28, 2013

i never thought i’d hear myself say…

10. does this nursing bra make my boobs look fat?

9. we should exchange numbers and get the kids together.

8. is today tuesday?

7. we’ll be there sometime in between 10 and 12.

6. oh shit, i just peed myself.

5. if you say “momma” one more time, you are going for a time out.

4. do you think they’ll notice the milk stains?

3. my hair is acceptable greasy.

2. babe, have you ever thought about divorce? we could do 50 / 50 with the kids?

1. do these flats come in a size 11?

May 17, 2013

listening ears

top ten life lessons that my baby has taught me:

10. poo often, it keeps your body happy.

9. everyone busy? observe the people around you, and delight in them. waiting your turn isn’t so bad.

8. you don’t have to have a big personality to get noticed. just an infectious smile.

7. if you feel cranky, eat more.

6. feeling bored? bang things together. it’ll liven things up, guaranteed.

5. the funniest person in the house is the three-year old. squeal when he is silly, it encourages him to be his best.

4. giggle when people touch you and kiss you. kiss them back.

3. naps are magical and transformative.

2. if you stick your tongue out at things that interest you, you might get lucky.

1. you know what’s awesome? everything.

April 29, 2013

it’s business time

i’ve recently conducted some (very) informal research and have generously decided to share the findings with my male readers. don’t say i never did anything for ya.

p.s.- the fact that this is largely autobiographical should not sway you from the path to enlightenment.

10 phrases that’ll get your (baby raisin’) woman down to her (cotton) skivvies:

10. babe, you meal plan like a boss.

9. budgeting me so little spending money really reinforces just how much you priorize our financial health. i love that about you.

8. you look bangin’ in those yoga pants.

7. your stretch marks are so amazing. (optional: and they remind me of how beautiful you were when you were pregnant and all the sacrifices your body made for our family).

6. your voice sounds so pretty when you sing ‘the wheels on the bus’.

5.  thanks for reminding me about all the stuff that needs to get done. you make me a better man.

4. i love it when i come home from work and you haven’t showered yet. it says so much about how you put our children and home first.

3. the smell of breast milk really complements your b.o. (see above).

2. i brought home some wine. if i was you, holding it all down, i know i’d want some.

1. tell me about your day. please describe what the kids did and said in detail. how was it for you? don’t leave anything out, i’m dying to know.

in all truth, what we really need to hear is quite simple. no, really. there is no need for games, smoke, or mirrors.  it’s no secret that what we want to be told (and everyday would be nice). it goes a little something like this: you’re amazing. you’re the best. i’m the luckiest man in the world. i am so fortunate to have you as the mother of my children.

got it? it’s not eff’n rocket science boys. now, for gawd sakes, open your mouth, use some words, say it like you mean it, and (rumour has it) ye shall receive.

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June 27, 2012

i’m not really a waitress

… and other true confessions of a woman who promised to never write a blog post as lame as this.

the bullet format is necessary because i can hardly think, given that i work more than a sane person would, have a super awesome life with a preschooler, try to be more than a worker and mother (fail), and am pregnant. it’s like that.

– i have chosen not to buy flowers this year for fiscal reasons. it sucks. if i met my budget in a back alley i would go ninja on it’s ass and lay it to rest, for good.

– this said, i have a small garden, primarily of lavender, and i think it reflects on me nicely. vain, i know.

– the only math concept i understand is that the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. i think.

– i find the titles, and worse yet, the abbreviations, of ‘stay at home mother’ and ‘working out of the home mother’ to be eff’n ridiculous. if they were people, it is likely i would find them ingratiating and want to punch them in the face. if i ever refer to myself as either of these, in any form, punch me in the face.

– i still dream about you. a lot. i hate to admit it, but i do. i don’t know why you come to me in my dreams, but you do. i hope you are well.

– i went for a pedicure recently, which was probably nice. i fell asleep, however, and woke up with drool on my face. the good news is, my toes are pretty.

– i think i might be stagnating and this terrifies me. thing is, i don’t have the cosmic power to take on any more growth right now. me and the universe will have to develop a plan that is conducive to mommy brain in a year or two. stay tuned.

– my son, one day, whilst reflecting on some endings and a lack of groceries, took a deep sigh and whimpered “no more swimming, no more dance class, no more yogurt”. it slayed me. worse yet, some children his age know real trauma and real grief.

– the person i miss most in my life is the cleaning lady we had for a brief and serendipitous time before i found out we were brewing a baby and cut all extra spending. shallow? oh, wait, i don’t care. i. want. her. back.

– i border on being completely unable to have normal social conversations anymore. as you may know, my job ate my life but it also ate my ability to get to know people without having to complete an interview and assessment. oh, and complete a background check, but that’s normal. ahem.

– last night i had a dream my husband had an affair with a 20 year old who seduced him by dancing to “the thong song”. gah.  if this, in any way, is an indicator of possible threats to our monogamy, i think i’m okay with it, just for the laughs.

– though quite relaxed and cas about our current pregnancy i have, admittedly, had two shocking and unsettling flashbacks of birth and subsequently experienced sheer terror knowing that i will be participating in said carnage once again. omg.

– i am bored with myself and concerned that i have lost the ability to write anything of interest. i think it might be time for a nap.

peace out, hh.