i surrender

my family has been sick recently and my running efforts had to be put on hold. this was terrifying for me, as I have reason to distrust myself when it comes to maintaining a routine prior to the pattern becoming entrenched in lifestyle.

it was also frustrating, in my head i want this so badly and i don’t want to lose ground. and though just a short pause, my body felt the frustration too- all of a sudden forgotten, again.
needless to say, I was delighted that the stars aligned to allow my running partner and i the opportunity to run together this morning for the first time. I was equally delighted that our stride met up and we could comfortably chat, successfully hashing out the next few months of training.
so much to look forward to. so much strength to be earned. so much energy to be born. so much pride to grow. so much weight to be lost. so much confidence to gain.
i can see it all now, who i’ll be at the end of this. i like her. she’s someone i used to be: lean, light, fast, able. she’s someone i lost along the way and i want her back. she’s been elusive for awhile- missing, found, resurfaced, derailed, recovered, emerging… each time i felt me in my movement only to have it all go away again it’s like it was further away then having never started again. i keep thinking of my eyes looking back at me in the gym mirror: ‘not this time’, they would say. i’ll catch up to her this time, i just know it.

i remember discussing with my midwife, sometime in my first pregnancy, whether i had any fears about labour and delivery considering, specifically, that i had broken my pelvis in four, amongst other bones, but a few years prior. though i unfortunately continued to suffer consequences of those injuries, i recall asserting that i did not doubt the capacity of my hips, pubic rim, or pelvic bone. i remember saying, and believing, that “i trust my body”.
i wish i had the same trust in my body now. i wish i had the same patience with my body as i did then. i knew it would all happen the way it needed to, and i had full faith that it would go well. last pregnancy, i also felt a deep knowing that my body, despite being older, less fit, and just, if not more, compromised from former injuries, would deliver (literally). and, it did.
there is no doubt that pregnancy and birth has matured my relationship with my body, taught me about myself and what i am infinitely capable of. for some reason though, this lesson gets lost when i try to regain what was taken from me so many years ago, my car wrapped around a hydro pole and me, broken, having been unable to withstand the impact.
i get all twisty, spend too much time time-travelling, equal parts retrospective to creative, who i once was to who i might be. i skip a beat. i overlook where i’m at and the real-time work i need to accomplish to get anywhere near what i used to do or what i want to be capable of again.
this morning helped. i got out the door. and despite being awkward, stiff, and heavy, i moved. and when i move in the present, it gets more real and, simultaneously, the maybe me gets nearer too.

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