labor is for suckers

so, here we are then. it’s monday, and it’s day 1 of being on my own with our two boys. it would appear, for all intents and purposes, that we are emerging from the haze of epic labor and delivery efforts as well as prolonged separation and related mother-absence anxiety and things are well, overall. it’s sunny and crisp today, the fall colours are glorious, it is warm in our home, we are all healthy, the sons are thriving, my body is recovering, and all of our spirits are stabilizing. oh, and at this moment, they are both napping simultaneously (winning!).

unfortunately, my attitude regarding labor and delivery appears to be permanently jaded. i can’t help it. i’ve done it twice now and after recent baby bonanza, i have it on good authority that labor is a shitty time. birth too, frankly.

first l&d, i was glowy-shiny-happy-blissful about it all and i even suggested (out-loud, at that) that i loved it so much that, despite the horror show, i would consider being a surrogate, because there was nothing more beautiful than pregnancy and nothing more profound or amazing then giving life. though this remains truth (conceiving, carrying, and giving life is nothing short of a miracle), i am not so enamored this round. not so much at all. this labor and birth did a number on me and my dignity, this whole pregnancy did, actually, and as you may be aware, it is for this reason that i expect to be showered in diamond decor this christmas with which to adorn my amazing life-giving parts, or what is left of them.

fortunately, as i have now had a couple of post partum combo baby / hoo-ha check ups, i am a tad less bleak and feel as though i can speak with some confidence that we will make it- we being, me, my hoo-ha, and neighbouring communities. i wasn’t so sure this time around.

there is one thing i am sure of, though. j’ai fini.

now, look. don’t be silly. i am not taking for granted, nor will i ever take for granted, how blessed i am to have had the opportunity to meet my children, hold their fresh little souls against my chest, and have them be healthy, at that. and, i am not so foolish to reduce this blessing to a complaint. this said, let it be known that never, ever, again will i subject my body, and mind, to such sport.

also, if i ever do become pregnant again (accidentally!), i am following the hollywood example and i will pre-book a section with a combo lipo / tummy tuck for good measure. i know, it’s true, i used to be a woman who scoffed at the mention of such a premeditated and what i then considered removed approach to child-birth but, now, i realise i was wrong to judge. those rich missys are on to something.

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