don’t know how to back down

“the precarious balance we maintain with great effort relies upon highly complicated and unregulated variables remaining impossibly stable. these variables, dangling mid juggle, must hold some form of consistency or relative predictability, so that we can plan and budget our so stretched time to ensure all goals are (almost) achieved. it all kinda works, albeit a sprint from eyes opening, until it doesn’t. traffic on the bridge? i’m eff’d. emergency case at the end of the day? i’m eff’d. vacuum not working? i’m eff’d. running out of coffee filters? we.are.all.eff’d.

when you are a mother who is also employed (and works too much), there isn’t much room for error. you plan, you prep, you hussle, you find time where none exists, and you fail. well, you feel like you fail (and fail, and fail, and fail)- in every aspect of your life. so when your son gets sick and needs you full time, it all falls down. hard.”

good morning, dear reader.

because it is a holiday long weekend and i can, i was just browsing through some unfinished drafts whilst texting my friends some grotesque photos of my baby belly (or, alternatively, the belly of the largest woman in the world) and came across this stressed little blurb i barfed out sometime last winter when we were in the depths of sick toddler hell for 6, that’s right, 6 weeks, whilst simultaneously trying to make it all work and not get fired.

well, guess what? currently, it is all working. why? cause i’m not.

dude, i know it’s a bold admission but seriously, we got it locked down right now and it all has to do with me being home more.

last week, i sent my son to preschool with, in addition to cute cut up fruit, etc., some home-made baking for his snack. i made said baking using beautiful ceramic mixing bowls gifted to us at our wedding (this is relevant b/c i had a pseudo hallucination / nostalgic traditional moment when creating said yumminess where i felt like i was getting something right, and the bowls had something to do with it. don’t read into it too much, i can’t stand behind the politics). my family is eating home cooked meals i have prepared as per menu plan loaded with healthy nutrients. of significant importance, i even kinda looked decent once or twice recently whilst making new mom friends at the playground. my house is in order, my son is rested and soooo happy, my husband is not having to carry the weight of his mammoth wife’s inadequacies (pregnant and tired and puking and working 6 days a week does not a functional partner make) and actually looks relaxed these days, and i am happily busying myself with day to day autumn splendor whilst organizing every aspect of our lives that has been neglected over the last 9 mos.

it’s not everything, god knows it isn’t for me, but there is something, maybe a lot, to be said for simplifying. i’m gonna go with it for now. when i lose my shit in a few months and think the walls are closing in, remind me of how thankful i feel about this level of non complication today. okay? deal.

p.s.- to keep a familiar level of vain neurosis in stock i am, however, avoiding befriending the incredibly beautiful, nice, and interesting mother of 4, soon to be 5, who is always put together, makes pregnancy look stylish (sexy, even), and homeschools. my rationale is that i have enough friends but the truth is, i don’t need her in my life, she is too lovely for words, the complete package, and i have enough reasons to feel sub-par. don’t tell anyone.

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One Comment to “don’t know how to back down”

  1. It’s a struggle, agreed, but you pull it off. Your son is flourishing, and your husband will forgive you, as soon as you forgive yourself. What a blessing that you get to enjoy this time together before a whole new kind of crazy sets in! Mother of 2!

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