Archive for June, 2012

June 27, 2012

i’m not really a waitress

… and other true confessions of a woman who promised to never write a blog post as lame as this.

the bullet format is necessary because i can hardly think, given that i work more than a sane person would, have a super awesome life with a preschooler, try to be more than a worker and mother (fail), and am pregnant. it’s like that.

– i have chosen not to buy flowers this year for fiscal reasons. it sucks. if i met my budget in a back alley i would go ninja on it’s ass and lay it to rest, for good.

– this said, i have a small garden, primarily of lavender, and i think it reflects on me nicely. vain, i know.

– the only math concept i understand is that the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. i think.

– i find the titles, and worse yet, the abbreviations, of ‘stay at home mother’ and ‘working out of the home mother’ to be eff’n ridiculous. if they were people, it is likely i would find them ingratiating and want to punch them in the face. if i ever refer to myself as either of these, in any form, punch me in the face.

– i still dream about you. a lot. i hate to admit it, but i do. i don’t know why you come to me in my dreams, but you do. i hope you are well.

– i went for a pedicure recently, which was probably nice. i fell asleep, however, and woke up with drool on my face. the good news is, my toes are pretty.

– i think i might be stagnating and this terrifies me. thing is, i don’t have the cosmic power to take on any more growth right now. me and the universe will have to develop a plan that is conducive to mommy brain in a year or two. stay tuned.

– my son, one day, whilst reflecting on some endings and a lack of groceries, took a deep sigh and whimpered “no more swimming, no more dance class, no more yogurt”. it slayed me. worse yet, some children his age know real trauma and real grief.

– the person i miss most in my life is the cleaning lady we had for a brief and serendipitous time before i found out we were brewing a baby and cut all extra spending. shallow? oh, wait, i don’t care. i. want. her. back.

– i border on being completely unable to have normal social conversations anymore. as you may know, my job ate my life but it also ate my ability to get to know people without having to complete an interview and assessment. oh, and complete a background check, but that’s normal. ahem.

– last night i had a dream my husband had an affair with a 20 year old who seduced him by dancing to “the thong song”. gah.  if this, in any way, is an indicator of possible threats to our monogamy, i think i’m okay with it, just for the laughs.

– though quite relaxed and cas about our current pregnancy i have, admittedly, had two shocking and unsettling flashbacks of birth and subsequently experienced sheer terror knowing that i will be participating in said carnage once again. omg.

– i am bored with myself and concerned that i have lost the ability to write anything of interest. i think it might be time for a nap.

peace out, hh.

June 4, 2012

bringing sexy back

this upcoming saturday is premeditated date day / night. you know, the kind of date that parents have quarterly where they spend most of the time talking about the kids they are so desperate to have some alone time from, or their budget (barf), and then come home around 10, wiped because they pretended to have a life? maybe i’m projecting. ahem.

anyhow, given this, is it wrong that i want to use my child free time to clean the whole house top to bottom and then just sit back and admire it for 24 hrs? maybe i could have a long, uninterrupted, morning soak, get redressed in my pj’s, and lounge with the paper, a stack of unread magazines and maybe even a movie, mid day?

it’s come to this, this is my dream date. this is my definition of steamy. this is what i fantasize about: time, silence, clean, early bed times, late wake times. maybe i could even shave my legs. don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?