rearview mirror

a young colleague of mine recently told me that she thinks i have “such an interesting life”.  i didn’t want to disappoint her so i acted like i thought so too and i refrained from telling her that her comment was the most “interesting” part of my week.

i mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a full life i lead and i am not short on happiness. the truth is, i have nothing to complain about… momland is full of goodness, greater than good, in fact, and, no word of a lie, i wouldn’t trade this era for anything. moo is my sun and moon, time with him is plump with joy and little miracles, and, frankly, i’m pretty sure that being near him is what keeps my heart beating.

it’s not him that renders life relatively uninteresting. it’s not mothering him, either. it’s what is required of me outside of moo moments that render this time of my life slightly blah. it’s the details of the day to day operations of this life stage. they get heavy. heavy in responsibility and light in diversity. you know?

so, knowing all that i know about how time travels faster than i do, i play a little game that gets me through the burden of holding it all down. i daydream. i daydream of lives i’ve lived and of lives that await me. sometimes i go back in time and choose a version of myself and bring her into the future i think might have unfolded should she have stuck around. it’s not a bad game, daydreaming of other selves i could be and other lives i could live.

up until recently i used to think back to life before my man, my marriage, and my child. i would remember who i was then and i would envision what life could have been should i have stayed youthful, single, and free. without the commitments, i mean. i would look back, grab hold of the best parts of my old spirit and future forward bliss mode, picturing myself living some sort of juicy.

the other day, though, driving home from work anticipating picking up my moo and all the things to do that would follow, i was cursing traffic and my commute and just felt this urgent need to live without so much constraint. so, without many tangible alternatives, i started to play my escape-your-current-life-situation game and began reminiscing.

i saw a video full of scenes where i was brimming with joy and where indulging in all that was good was priority number one. there were so many to see, i am so lucky, and i watched as my mind showed me visual reminders of just how great life was. it wasn’t long before i caught myself and noticed that all the little clips i was watching were from not so long ago. then i realised that lately they all had been… they were of my recent past, mostly from the year that i was granted to exclusively mother and nurture our family life, and lots from the last few months of getting our feet on the ground of our new life, too.

i was so relieved to realise that all the happy moments i was thinking about were those from this life, my fresh air life, with my good good man and my moo as very concrete contributions to those feelings of fullness, ripeness, and bliss. it hasn’t always been easy times, but they times where we were so alive. we are all still so alive.

nostalgia seems to evolve and i find peace in knowing that my efforts to escape now include him, them both, affectionately. i mean, really, i’ll take yesterday, any day. with dance parties at sunrise, love kisses in long grass, bedtime cuddles with the warm sun on my warm son… i wouldn’t say it’s interesting and it’s far from exciting but it’s a day to day life bursting with what matters.

p.s.- i guess i’m a selfish and spoilt wimp but i can’t imagine how much less me there would be if i didn’t have a partner to help us function. and, i do have that partner. sometimes, when i’m fresh out of resilience, he contributes more then his share. thanks big guy, for putting up with my shit, not getting threatened when i travel far, far away in my mind, and for grounding me, regularly, just by being you.

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