this is all that there is

in the beginning of my moo’s career here on earth, he required a lot of assistance to achieve sleep during the day and it almost always involved a full ritual of sleep inducing actions on my part and then a cuddle. and by “a cuddle” i mean that he needed to be on me, for hours.

initially, i didn’t mind. in fact, i never really minded, so to speak. he was a unique blend of needs and i was willing to work for him, but i did pine to be with some other mommas or familiar faces or any faces instead of the face of isolation i often met once he was asleep and i was able to look around and notice that it was just me and him, and mostly him, in this world.

as lonely and crazy making as it all was though, it was also peaceful once we achieved calm and i enjoyed his sleepy little self on me. he was near and still and warm, and i feel fortunate that he gave me a chance to stop and just focus on my hold on him. there was a lesson there, a lesson in stillness, and it’s a lesson i have always needed to learn.

years ago, another lifetime ago, really, a man in my life shared with me a quote (maybe it was a bumper sticker, which is embarrassing) that he and another friend came across travelling. the message was: be here now. it was simple and clear and he liked it. i didn’t, particularly. it wasn’t a sentence that invited much reflection on my part at the time or for some time later, in all truth. i mean, i was busy and it was always next that was on my mind. i found it passive, or something, and i argued him about it’s relevance. my retort then and all the times he prodded me to consider it later was: i’ll be there soon. i wanted forward, i wanted more and i thought i’d be present once i arrived, where ever and whatever i thought arriving meant.

i didn’t really ever get “there”, though, and it wasn’t until recent years, since arrival of the awesome spouse type, that i have actually been doing life as it comes, for which i am proud.  the husband of mine encouraged me to get present by the subtle way he lives, and, thankfully, i was somehow able to see him, in all the ways he was different from me, and know that he was a teacher. i stopped thinking in terms of passivity and i just started to explore, without trying to define what would happen next. i wouldn’t say i experienced much success in my efforts to let go, of whatever expectations i had for me and my world, but, i did improve and what i didn’t learn then, i was forced to learn from our child. 

during those times when moo was new, frantic, and dependent on me for comfort, he forced me to accept moment to moment existence. there was no alternative, and i’m lucky that there wasn’t. i learnt it, finally, the meaning of that message that holds so much value, and it couldn’t have come at a better time as the months to follow required me to practice peaceful acceptance of the present, often (the sleep issue got worse before it got better). i still need to. i think that this is the most humbling part of motherhood- that the present is where life is, as simple as it might be on occasion.

so, moo, my blessing of all blessings, has again brought more to me then any other well intentioned individual could, albeit they tried. he brought me the ability to slow down a little… look in at my world and thoroughly be present where i am, well where we are actually- here at home, or out in the world, as a family- now.

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3 Comments to “this is all that there is”

  1. You’re right love …. you ‘are here now’. I’ve witnessed the change …

    I love you,
    mm

  2. It can be a challenging lesson to learn -to “be here now”. I am so thankful for those quiet, calm moments.

  3. Thank you…these words are a gentle reminder to embrace those moments of sleeplessness as a gift of time and stillness with my son!

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