Archive for February, 2011

February 19, 2011

fabulosity, redefined

when you’re a mother and work outside of the home, there are few things as decadent as a weekend off with your family. it’s not quite brunch with the girls, but it’s pure and unadulterated goodness.  in honour of going slow, allow me to suggest beginning weekend festivities with ritual yummy breakfasts.

in our home, we are fans of whole wheat or spelt blueberry pancakes (with cooked pumpkin or yams, shredded apples or carrots, pureed beets or peaches, and always with cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, and yogurt inside) and, after indulging in deliciousness, we continue to celebrate our togetherness with post breaky dance parties.

give it a try, i believe this simple indulgence is a sure cure for too much time spent apart and i can almost guarantee a good time will be had by all. 

p.s.- i also recommend having ingredients for mimosas on stand by for all weekend bliss fests. i gather there is a little ‘woman about town’ left in most of us and it’s refreshing to acknowledge her and the rest of us with a sleepy toast. to our old selves, our new selves, and, my favorite, our future selves. cheers and happy weekend!

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February 8, 2011

grey day

it’s overcast, i’m tired, and the carbs and caffeine aren’t working. this can only mean that it’s the perfect moment for some funny. as i am not very funny, i am ripping this off from a woman who is. so, here you go. who doesn’t like to laugh?

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

by Amy Lawrence

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Then suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly (eat cold food with one hand for dinner).

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child (a full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. I know that you’re thinking: what’s ‘Noggin’? Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly (important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

The end.

i don’t know the author so i can’t ask her why her prep program is only 11 steps. i’m assuming she meant for it to be a 12 step program, as tradition would have it, but got interrupted, distracted, or fell asleep on her computer only to delete the last few sentences. i forgive her.

February 2, 2011

check yourself

as it turns out, maybe i don’t have the right personality to appreciate a slow cooker, after all (PM). maybe on a work day it’ll be my saviour but, today, 9 hours later, the pace is just infuriating.

February 2, 2011

mommy mostest

at risk of sounding like the most boring woman that ever existed, or the most arrogant mother in the world (see annoying lady depicted in the video below), i’d like to take this opportunity to brag about my recent accomplishments.

1. i’m officially a baker. it’s true. i bake on a regular basis and the yummy i am producing are wholegrain and veggie packed super goodness treats. i don’t always follow the recipe and they are sometimes a bit chewy and/or over moist but, alas, i dreamt it and it came true. i am an apron wearing, veggie loving, wholesome baking goddess. and, even though moo is now partial to almost anything i put in front of him, it’s still useful. he needs snacks and i like to send lovingly made healthy creations along with him to daycare. it is functional and it eases my guilt.  baking = 2, not baking = 0. 

2. i have earned enough airmiles to ‘purchase’ a slow cooker (pathetic that this is what excites me, no?) and i am slow cooking as we speak. you know, not only does this thrill me (both the $ free ‘purchase’ and the new piece of kitchen equipment), it makes me hopeful for better days ahead. i actually think that this may revolutionize my life. farewell, home from work/daycare to crazy dinner prep with screaming child begging for attention and food and hello, slow cooked, ready and waiting for us hot meal. hey, i started baking- anything is possible.

so, that’s all.

i’m officially experimenting with retro and having success doing so. i’m pretty damn impressed with myself, actually. not only have i defied my disposition by becoming a woman of the kitchen and creator of actually edible things, i’m enjoying it.

thanks for not hating me for being so smug. farewell for now! 

p.s.- as promised, here is a little diddy re parenting politics.